she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Randomize
