Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
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