I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Randomize
