Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
