too bad you live with your parents still
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
