do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
