i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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