Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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