Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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