making cat noises will not fix the situation.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
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