im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
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