she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
