Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
this will be a night to untag.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
