I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
