Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
