Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
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