Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize