hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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