You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
