My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Hello my rib-scented angel!
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
