last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
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