my vag is so smooth its legendary
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
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