Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
