I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
