I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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