thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Randomize
