my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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