You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
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