Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Randomize
