I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
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