I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Randomize
