I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
