i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
