Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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