ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
