chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
She needs sedatives and a leash
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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