Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
