did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
