You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
this hospital has no fireball
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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