New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
