I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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