No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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