I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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