I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
