i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Randomize