I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
