my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
it glows. i had to have it.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Randomize
