The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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