when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Randomize
