Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
