i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
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