I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
