I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Randomize
