I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
