Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
you didnt know i had herpes?
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Randomize
