the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
