Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
