Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
someone owes me an orgasm
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
