watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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