Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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