I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
