I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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