sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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